Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
