you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
