You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
