What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
