You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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