I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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