wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
