accomplished twins. life is a go
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
