How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
