My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
