I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
