if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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