a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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