I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
