Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
