got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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