If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
In America we eat man semen.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
