Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
