I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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