Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
