I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
