I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
