If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
