Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
