Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
