it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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