She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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