woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
