I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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