Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
