I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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