When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
