I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
two words...techno handjob
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
