I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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