Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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