I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
