I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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