Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
