Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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