Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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