she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
