guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
