I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
