please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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