Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I need a beard to bite.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
