he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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