There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
