Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
