i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sarcasm needs its own font
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
