Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
