Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
