I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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