Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
someone owes me an orgasm
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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