time to smoke my breakfast
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
