My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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