i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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