Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
