Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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