He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
