I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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