my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
