I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
