I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
