I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
