Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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