piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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